I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
