My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
