i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Never underestimate the power of titties
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