omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
