I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
