I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
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She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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