Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
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The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
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I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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