I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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