how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
