My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
