I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
