70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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