The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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