i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
