I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
