Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
