the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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