You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I supernannyed him into submission
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
