someone threw a dead crab at me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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