I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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