I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
