the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
