I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
