Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
