1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
