who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
