So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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