btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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