I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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