I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
