I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
