Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
