I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
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I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
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