he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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