it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
