i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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