I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My bed smells like the plague
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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