i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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