I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
