And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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