I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
