My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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