This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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