I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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