Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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