First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
