shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
