Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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