My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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