Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
