I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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