I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Pants are for mortals
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
