So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
