Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
