They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
