I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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