last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
